In sobriety, there’s a little thing called “white knuckling.” It’s what you do when you hold on really, really tight to stay in control and make really, really sure you don’t screw up. For alcoholics, you might white knuckle it so you don’t drink. But for love or sex addicts, it’s a little less clear what is sober behavior and what isn’t. When your sexuality was a tool for domination and control, used out of desperation, it was good to just quit, using any means necessary. And white knuckling works for a while, but not long-term. Clamping down can be useful to re-set an old unhealthy pattern, but as a life strategy, it’s just dumb.
Long-term sobriety requires stuff like surrender and trust… and allowing room for miracles to happen. You can’t have a Deus Ex Machina if you don’t let in the Deus, you know?
If you been “white knuckle” (or blue knuckle?) your love or sex life into submission, eventually, you’ll notice that you’re cutting off your life force and your power. If you are doing that while in relationship, it can be devastating in a whole new way. For example if you used to cheat in relationships to get your sexual needs met and now you refuse to resort to that behavior through sheer will power, things can start to get dry and stale when you put all your energy and focus into your partner with the hopes that they’ll meet your needs. Giving your partner or one man all your attention and reserving your sexuality just for him is like surrendering your power to him.
So what to do? Read Part 4 of 4 here.